'Nothing really matters; anyone can see. Nothing really matters, to me.'

I havnt written in a long while, I guess ive been pre-occupied with life; which isnt such a bad thing, but i cant breathe. Time is flying by so fast and i cant get a grip on reality.

Last night i presented a speach at the 'Community Safety Roadshow' i actually became rather emotional, reading out a speach about my life experiences and my involvement with mental health and the reality of the illness. I dont like to talk about myself, really, but when i am up infront of a group, something triggers in me that says "perhaps what you have experienced can give insight to someone else, maybe it can help them understand something happeneing in their own lives and be able to relate to my situation". This could be the case, im hoping it is, because if someone else can better themselves from what i have experienced, then it almost seems worth it.

I am a beleiver of the theory that everything happens for a reason. The other day it was my best friend Laura's 21st birthday, she was not with us on earth to celebrate, which is a great tradgedy, she is a brave, strong, caring and intelligent spirit that can get through anything and acheive anything she puts her mind to, she is a true inspiration to me. On her birthday, i unintentionally wore a pink outfit, nearly everything was pink. It was only after i came home that i realised what i had done, i guess this is a small example that everything happens for a reason, even the little things we dont realise are happening, happen for a reason.

Tomorrow afternoon a group of friends are gathering at the lake to have a picnic in commemoration of the one year anaversary of my friend Christine's passing. She lost a long battle with cancer, she passed away not long after her 21st birthday. I am absolutely petrified. Im so scared that i will lose my calm and burst into tears after somebody makes a comment or tells a story, its not that im afraid to greive, its that i dont feel worthy. The people attending have been her best and closest friends since highschool and were very close to her, who am i to trigger their emotions and speak about her like we are friends, when really, in comparison, i dont know her at all.

Sunday i am making a speach at the 'Mental Health Fun Run', also held at the lake. I have decided to shorten my usual speach to a page or two, because last night, i felt like i was talking forever and i dont want people to feel like they have to listen, or to feel sorry for me, or to get bored. I want to influence their own lives, not bore them half to sleep! I guess im scared of that too, that people will think im petty or insignificant. I know i dont have the most interesting things to say, and that there are people out there that have been through so much worse and i dont want to be perceived as the type of person to want sympathy. I dont want sympathy at all, i want people to ask questions, give me feedback and to tell me about their own experiences.


Last night, i borred my mothers car so that i could drive to the community centre. She left her phone in the car, and stupidly i looked through her messages. They were so terrible, she must be under so much stress and be feeling so depressed. She has been receiving threats from her boyfriends ex partner, and my father has been sending her messages that must make her feel like the worst person in the world. I know what my father is like, he has a mental illness, but wont admit it, hes a mess. I hate him but i want to help him, i guess im like my mother in that sence.
I dont know what to do to help my mum. Im trying, but i just dont know. I know that i contriute to her stress, and she has been so good about it. She has to drive me to work in the mornings before she starts work herself, and then she picks me up after, when she finishes work, thats close to four hours of travel a day, and she hates it, especially when every morning she has to worry about whether or not she will get to work on time. This morning, i couldnt get up. I felt like i was in a big black hole that i couldnt climb out of, nor did i want to. The world was on my shoulders and i was being pushed further and further into the dark place, by the weight of it. Eventually i rolled off my bed and got dressed, it made my mum so late for work. She yelled so loudly at me when my sister got out of the car, telling me i was selfish and lazy. I yelled back, through tears and told her i was having a hard few days and that Lauras birthday was the other day and that Christines one year anaversary is tomorrow, she kept yelling, telling me i wasnt the only one having a hard time, i responded with 'im not saying i am, all i want is for a bit of space'. She didnt say anything after that, the whole rest of the trip.

Im a loner.
I have no future.
I am so scared of where my life is heading.


It is so hard to admit that. But it feels more comfortable when you can hide behind a screen and a mess of words.
I honestly dont know what im going to do with my life, i dont know what im interested in anymore. I dont have any friends, the ones i do have i see once a week, if im lucky, although i love those few ever so deeply, i feel like i cant open up. I cant tell them that every day i feel like running far away and starving myself in the corner of a little cobble stone alleyway where nobody knows who i am, or cares to stop to see if im alright. I want to scream.

My father sent me a message on Facebook the other day, it came as much a shock. As soon as i saw the sender name, before i even read what was in it, my eyes glazed over and it was hard to see through tears. I dont even know why it upset me so much, i havnt spoken to my father in about a year, not even on my birthday. He didnt even phone me up to say happy 19th, or to see how im going.
An exhert from the message he sent me on facebook a few weeks ago:
'I'm sorry for being such a crap parent, please dont let it affect your life and your happiness.
Always know I've always loved you and shelley and I'm so sorry'
What am i supposed to say to that, the last thing i said to him was: 'dont try and be all parental now. you have missed that boat'
Sent in a facebook message. I miss him so much, but i hate him. It cant ever be the same, so really, what i dont want him to come back, but i wish he never left in the first place.

 I feel so alone. I am a loner. I want to have friends again, friends that actually want to see me, and enjoy my company. Not friends that see me out of obligation. I need someone to fall back on. If Jesse wasnt by my side, where would i go? What would i do? Who would i talk to? I dont know, and it scares me so much.

And to conclude, i miss my best friend. More than anything.
I wish i was there for him. I wish i was a better friend. I wish i could go back in time and be there for you when you needed me and i was so oblivious. I was selfish, and i should have realised. But i didnt. I am so sorry that i broke our friendship. I will regret it for the rest of my life.

At long last, i shall conclude.
I dont expect this to be read. I sort of dont want it to be read, because im scared of what people will think or do. I just want a legasy, something on paper to mark what is going on. Something to make it feel like what im feeling isnt worthless and petty. Its harder that it should be.

How did we get ourselves so lost?

'things are looking up, finally'

things havnt changed; ive changed.
while things are still the same, ive come to accept them, adapt, learn to embrace them.
im also learning to observe, everything around me, its becoming a hobby of mine to walk off into lonelyness and just watch, just take in everything around me, put myself into other peoples lives; its inspiring, i can finally look at something and create an artistic project in my mind and make it my own: this is a gift ive missed having.

Sometimes i feel like throwing my hands up in the air.

memory.

Well, I guess this is growing up.

childhood

We are the lost loves.

'what happened to all the love, that got left behind, by the bodies who made the love, but who cannot withstand time'

Its been a crazy few weeks, im not going to lie.
in heind sight, it feels like one of those childrens rides in playgrounds, that spin round and round untill you throw up.
When i was younger, a few female friends and i went to the playground to play. We all went on the 'wizzy dizz' (as we called it) and took turns to spin eachother as fast as we could; i pushed the limits, and kept going, then i threw up. It was embarassing, we all had to go back to her house, and her mother put me in a blanket, called my mother and i pet their cat, which hissed at me. That was the moment i stopped liking cats (i had this dislike untill just 12 months ago) this was also the moment, i realised that i had control of my own life and that i had to take caution.

Since then i seem to have forgotten this knowlege. Ive lost controll many times, and i have been far from cautious. Im not displeased with this though; i acknowlege that i am in controll of losing controll and i like that. I like the fact that i can go out and lose all fear, just say yes to anything, good or bad, i love that controll, and i love the fact that i can wake up the next day and begin to remedy everything done 8 hours beforehand.
I havnt been on this earth for a long time, but over the years i have lived, and over the things ive experienced, i know people come and go in your life, yes, it hurts, and you blame yourself (most of the time) but in recent times, i have gained a sort of clarity, i can now see that people come and go but the people that leave are not worth chasing after, they have served their purpose, they have taught you things and made you think things your mind would not have thought of without being provoked by their presence, without them there to influence your thoughts. I beleive this.

On another note, everything is a bit up and down; things have been great, im not complaining, i mean, i have gone back to school, im catching up with old friends, i have an amazing girlfriend and i have the money lined up to buy a spiffy little car. However, i cant help but to want more, i cant help but to wonder about all the things im missing out on, i am at a stage where i want to get everything sorted out, get everything in a straight line (my mind works in pictures and diagrams) but anything i do sends it more into waves. I cannot wait to finish school, i cannot wait to get my licence and be of age, and i can not wait to move out, these things will set my 'line' into caos, but i think it will be worth it in the end, when my line can just settle down and i can be at a comfortable level, within myself and with the things and people around me.

Furthermore, i would like to conclude this rediculous blog with one more note.
it is a quote i stole from a friends facebook page, but i felt it was meaningfull to me at this point in my life:
'in order for two halves to be whole, each half must be whole on its own'
i could not have summed that up better myself. This particular quote is so relevant, i am a stong beleiver that before you can make someone else happy, you must first be happy yourself, and all those sorts of things. Seeing this, was like seeing into my own head, where a graffiti artist had painted these words on several crevises and arteries, to get the message out and for the thrill of rebelion.

thank you for your time.

(disclaimer - this post is all over the place. my mind is all over the place. this is an excerpt of my mind)

Once in a blue moon.

So things have been hectic lately, yet i wouldnt be able to tell you what on earth ive been doing.
not because i dont want to tell you, but for the fact that there has been nothing memorable or substantial enough to store in my memory, nothing i would want to waste space with in my ever overflowing hard drive of a brain.
However, i have seemed to store alot of the emotions, strange, my mind has never functioned this way, but it seems that lately i have been feeling things that i have never felt before, and i suppose just like any new experience to event, in order to be able to identify with it, it needs to be stored somewhere for future reference.
flicking through the archive i can see (or rather feel) extreme sadness, excitement, happyness, fear, love, joy, amusment, betrayal ... among other things that dont seem to want to surface themselves from within my ever resenting brain.
im not going to lie, it hasnt been easy these last few months, alot has changed, and im starting to realise im not the same person i was, lets say, a year ago. Im not sure if this change has been for the better, but either way, its a change none the less.

Some things (not all things i must stress) have been amazingly, fantastically, wonderfly, perfect. reminding you of coarse that peoples definitions of perfect are somewhat different to mine. to me, perfection can, and in most cases, WILL, contain imperfections, little things that make it just that little bit hard to bear, but these things come together as a whole to make the thing in question, without flaws. i beleive nothing can be without flaws, and sometimes, the little flaws is what makes it perfect. I also beleive this, because in my personal oppinion, it is unrealistic to expect things to be flaw-less, because nothing in this world is.
Back to the point, one of the most inspirational things in my life at the moment, is my partner Jess, she is, in my eyes, PERFECT, i cannot see flaws in her as a person, yes some of her actions or experiences may seem wrong or unjustified in my personal oppinion, but how can she be who she is today without those, and the person she is today, is the person i love, with all of my being.
I would litterally do ANYTHING for her if it was nessissary, and thats not just something im saying to express my point, without her in my life, i would have no purpose and would have given up quite some time ago.

Saying that, some things have also been, for lack of a better word; BAD.
my metal state is deminishing, and my social life is begining to revolve around facebook.
sometimes i feel like i have nobody to count on (jess as the only exception) it seems like i have no friends, its not as if im not used to it, ive always distanced myself from people, and although i have always had many friends, i dont really consider them to be friends, but rather aquaintainces. its very hard for me to make friends, not only because im a very shy and uninteresting person but because when i talk to people i dont know well, my head gets light and i pass out for a split second.
that wasnt well phrased, but i dont want to go back over it and re-write it, as it pains me to think about.
where is was going with this was, yes i have friends, but they arnt real (i would think, im unsure as to whether they would agree) they arnt really my friends but rather my girlfriends friends. if anything should happen (god forbid) to our relationship, these people would without a doubt be with her and forget so easily about me. which is part of the reason i am hesitant to open up to them, there is nothing keeping their loyalty to me, but the relationship jess and i share.
its hard to think that if, once again god forbid, jess and i were to part, that i would be left with no support, no friends and no partner. i dont think i could handle that, it would be too much for me.

but let us depart that topic and end on a happier note shall we?
lately, everything seems that little but brighter, i beleive this is due to my incredible girlfriend!
im begining to get my inspiration back, i went and took photos the other day, which you would not even beleive how good it felt to get back into. my photography habits reflect my life, if im feeling shit i will not go and take photographs, and if i do, they will look as shit as i feel
if im feeling good, the photographs will also be good. i hadnt taken any photos for a long time, due to lack of inspiration, thus i was a bit out of practice, but i intend to change this. i want to go and photograph the world, my first steps are to photograph the things close to my heart and close to my home :)

to conclude, i would like to share with you, a quote i found, it was found in a rush, but something about it actually stayed with me. maybe i was meant to find it.
whether it is inspirational to you, i dont know. but it worked for me!
'Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.' - Harold R. McAlindon.

the question of existance.

the first blog of many.
i must regretfully disapoint you with this news.
i have found a new tool to occupy my mind with. 'blog'.
what is a blog? im told its like a diary, except online, and for everyone to read.
i was under the impression a diary was something a bit more personal, a secret book you would hide from your brothers and sisters and have lists inside as long as the eye can see of all the people that have ever done you wrong in life and what you would most happily do to dipose of them.
well thats what my diary consisted of as a child. a collection of depressing works of art, each more pathetic than the next.
i like to think that i have grown as a person. however, judging from this opening paragraph, it would seem that i am as childish and melodramatic as ever.

at this point in i would like to take the chance to make you all aware of my terrible spelling skills and language that should only be used by middle class public servants wanting to seem witty and sophisticated. this is me.

there is nothing stopping me from making my life into whatever i want it to be on my blog.
for all you know i could be a seventeen year old girl who is stuck in a job thats hours prevent her from living her life as she so wishes.
i could be a chubby addolecent with thin bleach blonde hair who has fallen for a short phycologist much to old and mature for her.
there is nothing stopping me from becoming an over obsessive, emotional eater, desperate for change at any opportunity or a chef who regrets what she set her life up to be and who despertally just wants to travel and learn about art.
the face is my friends, is that everything i just said i could become within this blog; is exactly who i am. each part peicing together to create the sad indervidual that is currently laying in bed at 2.10am laptop open, typing whatever pops into her sleep deprived mind.

i feel as if im waisting life, talent, oppertunity...
but then i realise im still young and should be enjoying a life with no worries or responsiblities.
but it doesnt help with the feeling of time, time being taken from benieth you with no way of stopping it or slowing it down.
i feel i should make the most of every moment i have. This is why i have mad the decision to leave school, finish my apprenticeship (8months to go), travel the country and study art, photography, poety and film. Heres hoping this is the right decision.

so i want to be a person who when mentioned is associated with all things excentric. like a crazy cat lady, or that woman that only wears animal print. I want to stand out. and if i cant do that, then i at least want to add some depth to my character.
yes ive had a considerably hard life (in comparrison to the average teenager), and yes i have had freedom to see and do things that most people wouldnt have untill their mid 20's. but thats not enough. i want to have knowlege. knowlege of history, and knowlege of the present. i want to be one of those people who can pull an interesting fact or story about an event at any given time. someone who is like a walking library, packed to the rafters of both usefull and useless information.
i ask myself sometimes, is this to high to aim for? if this a bit out of reach? will i accumplish this, or will i fail and feel worse about myself than i already do?
i guess this is something you cant predict. you just have to make it happen.

i will not conclude this sleep deprived peice of utter nonsence and let you continue with your former activities.
i beleive i will be making some regular entrys. because on here its not a popularity context, nobody is judging you. nobody cares what you are, who you are or what you do. you can jus express yourself. and that is something that i wish to do more of.
ciao.