the question of existance.

the first blog of many.
i must regretfully disapoint you with this news.
i have found a new tool to occupy my mind with. 'blog'.
what is a blog? im told its like a diary, except online, and for everyone to read.
i was under the impression a diary was something a bit more personal, a secret book you would hide from your brothers and sisters and have lists inside as long as the eye can see of all the people that have ever done you wrong in life and what you would most happily do to dipose of them.
well thats what my diary consisted of as a child. a collection of depressing works of art, each more pathetic than the next.
i like to think that i have grown as a person. however, judging from this opening paragraph, it would seem that i am as childish and melodramatic as ever.

at this point in i would like to take the chance to make you all aware of my terrible spelling skills and language that should only be used by middle class public servants wanting to seem witty and sophisticated. this is me.

there is nothing stopping me from making my life into whatever i want it to be on my blog.
for all you know i could be a seventeen year old girl who is stuck in a job thats hours prevent her from living her life as she so wishes.
i could be a chubby addolecent with thin bleach blonde hair who has fallen for a short phycologist much to old and mature for her.
there is nothing stopping me from becoming an over obsessive, emotional eater, desperate for change at any opportunity or a chef who regrets what she set her life up to be and who despertally just wants to travel and learn about art.
the face is my friends, is that everything i just said i could become within this blog; is exactly who i am. each part peicing together to create the sad indervidual that is currently laying in bed at 2.10am laptop open, typing whatever pops into her sleep deprived mind.

i feel as if im waisting life, talent, oppertunity...
but then i realise im still young and should be enjoying a life with no worries or responsiblities.
but it doesnt help with the feeling of time, time being taken from benieth you with no way of stopping it or slowing it down.
i feel i should make the most of every moment i have. This is why i have mad the decision to leave school, finish my apprenticeship (8months to go), travel the country and study art, photography, poety and film. Heres hoping this is the right decision.

so i want to be a person who when mentioned is associated with all things excentric. like a crazy cat lady, or that woman that only wears animal print. I want to stand out. and if i cant do that, then i at least want to add some depth to my character.
yes ive had a considerably hard life (in comparrison to the average teenager), and yes i have had freedom to see and do things that most people wouldnt have untill their mid 20's. but thats not enough. i want to have knowlege. knowlege of history, and knowlege of the present. i want to be one of those people who can pull an interesting fact or story about an event at any given time. someone who is like a walking library, packed to the rafters of both usefull and useless information.
i ask myself sometimes, is this to high to aim for? if this a bit out of reach? will i accumplish this, or will i fail and feel worse about myself than i already do?
i guess this is something you cant predict. you just have to make it happen.

i will not conclude this sleep deprived peice of utter nonsence and let you continue with your former activities.
i beleive i will be making some regular entrys. because on here its not a popularity context, nobody is judging you. nobody cares what you are, who you are or what you do. you can jus express yourself. and that is something that i wish to do more of.
ciao.