We are the lost loves.

'what happened to all the love, that got left behind, by the bodies who made the love, but who cannot withstand time'

Its been a crazy few weeks, im not going to lie.
in heind sight, it feels like one of those childrens rides in playgrounds, that spin round and round untill you throw up.
When i was younger, a few female friends and i went to the playground to play. We all went on the 'wizzy dizz' (as we called it) and took turns to spin eachother as fast as we could; i pushed the limits, and kept going, then i threw up. It was embarassing, we all had to go back to her house, and her mother put me in a blanket, called my mother and i pet their cat, which hissed at me. That was the moment i stopped liking cats (i had this dislike untill just 12 months ago) this was also the moment, i realised that i had control of my own life and that i had to take caution.

Since then i seem to have forgotten this knowlege. Ive lost controll many times, and i have been far from cautious. Im not displeased with this though; i acknowlege that i am in controll of losing controll and i like that. I like the fact that i can go out and lose all fear, just say yes to anything, good or bad, i love that controll, and i love the fact that i can wake up the next day and begin to remedy everything done 8 hours beforehand.
I havnt been on this earth for a long time, but over the years i have lived, and over the things ive experienced, i know people come and go in your life, yes, it hurts, and you blame yourself (most of the time) but in recent times, i have gained a sort of clarity, i can now see that people come and go but the people that leave are not worth chasing after, they have served their purpose, they have taught you things and made you think things your mind would not have thought of without being provoked by their presence, without them there to influence your thoughts. I beleive this.

On another note, everything is a bit up and down; things have been great, im not complaining, i mean, i have gone back to school, im catching up with old friends, i have an amazing girlfriend and i have the money lined up to buy a spiffy little car. However, i cant help but to want more, i cant help but to wonder about all the things im missing out on, i am at a stage where i want to get everything sorted out, get everything in a straight line (my mind works in pictures and diagrams) but anything i do sends it more into waves. I cannot wait to finish school, i cannot wait to get my licence and be of age, and i can not wait to move out, these things will set my 'line' into caos, but i think it will be worth it in the end, when my line can just settle down and i can be at a comfortable level, within myself and with the things and people around me.

Furthermore, i would like to conclude this rediculous blog with one more note.
it is a quote i stole from a friends facebook page, but i felt it was meaningfull to me at this point in my life:
'in order for two halves to be whole, each half must be whole on its own'
i could not have summed that up better myself. This particular quote is so relevant, i am a stong beleiver that before you can make someone else happy, you must first be happy yourself, and all those sorts of things. Seeing this, was like seeing into my own head, where a graffiti artist had painted these words on several crevises and arteries, to get the message out and for the thrill of rebelion.

thank you for your time.

(disclaimer - this post is all over the place. my mind is all over the place. this is an excerpt of my mind)