'Nothing really matters; anyone can see. Nothing really matters, to me.'

I havnt written in a long while, I guess ive been pre-occupied with life; which isnt such a bad thing, but i cant breathe. Time is flying by so fast and i cant get a grip on reality.

Last night i presented a speach at the 'Community Safety Roadshow' i actually became rather emotional, reading out a speach about my life experiences and my involvement with mental health and the reality of the illness. I dont like to talk about myself, really, but when i am up infront of a group, something triggers in me that says "perhaps what you have experienced can give insight to someone else, maybe it can help them understand something happeneing in their own lives and be able to relate to my situation". This could be the case, im hoping it is, because if someone else can better themselves from what i have experienced, then it almost seems worth it.

I am a beleiver of the theory that everything happens for a reason. The other day it was my best friend Laura's 21st birthday, she was not with us on earth to celebrate, which is a great tradgedy, she is a brave, strong, caring and intelligent spirit that can get through anything and acheive anything she puts her mind to, she is a true inspiration to me. On her birthday, i unintentionally wore a pink outfit, nearly everything was pink. It was only after i came home that i realised what i had done, i guess this is a small example that everything happens for a reason, even the little things we dont realise are happening, happen for a reason.

Tomorrow afternoon a group of friends are gathering at the lake to have a picnic in commemoration of the one year anaversary of my friend Christine's passing. She lost a long battle with cancer, she passed away not long after her 21st birthday. I am absolutely petrified. Im so scared that i will lose my calm and burst into tears after somebody makes a comment or tells a story, its not that im afraid to greive, its that i dont feel worthy. The people attending have been her best and closest friends since highschool and were very close to her, who am i to trigger their emotions and speak about her like we are friends, when really, in comparison, i dont know her at all.

Sunday i am making a speach at the 'Mental Health Fun Run', also held at the lake. I have decided to shorten my usual speach to a page or two, because last night, i felt like i was talking forever and i dont want people to feel like they have to listen, or to feel sorry for me, or to get bored. I want to influence their own lives, not bore them half to sleep! I guess im scared of that too, that people will think im petty or insignificant. I know i dont have the most interesting things to say, and that there are people out there that have been through so much worse and i dont want to be perceived as the type of person to want sympathy. I dont want sympathy at all, i want people to ask questions, give me feedback and to tell me about their own experiences.


Last night, i borred my mothers car so that i could drive to the community centre. She left her phone in the car, and stupidly i looked through her messages. They were so terrible, she must be under so much stress and be feeling so depressed. She has been receiving threats from her boyfriends ex partner, and my father has been sending her messages that must make her feel like the worst person in the world. I know what my father is like, he has a mental illness, but wont admit it, hes a mess. I hate him but i want to help him, i guess im like my mother in that sence.
I dont know what to do to help my mum. Im trying, but i just dont know. I know that i contriute to her stress, and she has been so good about it. She has to drive me to work in the mornings before she starts work herself, and then she picks me up after, when she finishes work, thats close to four hours of travel a day, and she hates it, especially when every morning she has to worry about whether or not she will get to work on time. This morning, i couldnt get up. I felt like i was in a big black hole that i couldnt climb out of, nor did i want to. The world was on my shoulders and i was being pushed further and further into the dark place, by the weight of it. Eventually i rolled off my bed and got dressed, it made my mum so late for work. She yelled so loudly at me when my sister got out of the car, telling me i was selfish and lazy. I yelled back, through tears and told her i was having a hard few days and that Lauras birthday was the other day and that Christines one year anaversary is tomorrow, she kept yelling, telling me i wasnt the only one having a hard time, i responded with 'im not saying i am, all i want is for a bit of space'. She didnt say anything after that, the whole rest of the trip.

Im a loner.
I have no future.
I am so scared of where my life is heading.


It is so hard to admit that. But it feels more comfortable when you can hide behind a screen and a mess of words.
I honestly dont know what im going to do with my life, i dont know what im interested in anymore. I dont have any friends, the ones i do have i see once a week, if im lucky, although i love those few ever so deeply, i feel like i cant open up. I cant tell them that every day i feel like running far away and starving myself in the corner of a little cobble stone alleyway where nobody knows who i am, or cares to stop to see if im alright. I want to scream.

My father sent me a message on Facebook the other day, it came as much a shock. As soon as i saw the sender name, before i even read what was in it, my eyes glazed over and it was hard to see through tears. I dont even know why it upset me so much, i havnt spoken to my father in about a year, not even on my birthday. He didnt even phone me up to say happy 19th, or to see how im going.
An exhert from the message he sent me on facebook a few weeks ago:
'I'm sorry for being such a crap parent, please dont let it affect your life and your happiness.
Always know I've always loved you and shelley and I'm so sorry'
What am i supposed to say to that, the last thing i said to him was: 'dont try and be all parental now. you have missed that boat'
Sent in a facebook message. I miss him so much, but i hate him. It cant ever be the same, so really, what i dont want him to come back, but i wish he never left in the first place.

 I feel so alone. I am a loner. I want to have friends again, friends that actually want to see me, and enjoy my company. Not friends that see me out of obligation. I need someone to fall back on. If Jesse wasnt by my side, where would i go? What would i do? Who would i talk to? I dont know, and it scares me so much.

And to conclude, i miss my best friend. More than anything.
I wish i was there for him. I wish i was a better friend. I wish i could go back in time and be there for you when you needed me and i was so oblivious. I was selfish, and i should have realised. But i didnt. I am so sorry that i broke our friendship. I will regret it for the rest of my life.

At long last, i shall conclude.
I dont expect this to be read. I sort of dont want it to be read, because im scared of what people will think or do. I just want a legasy, something on paper to mark what is going on. Something to make it feel like what im feeling isnt worthless and petty. Its harder that it should be.