How did we get ourselves so lost?

'things are looking up, finally'

things havnt changed; ive changed.
while things are still the same, ive come to accept them, adapt, learn to embrace them.
im also learning to observe, everything around me, its becoming a hobby of mine to walk off into lonelyness and just watch, just take in everything around me, put myself into other peoples lives; its inspiring, i can finally look at something and create an artistic project in my mind and make it my own: this is a gift ive missed having.

Sometimes i feel like throwing my hands up in the air.

memory.

Well, I guess this is growing up.

childhood

We are the lost loves.

'what happened to all the love, that got left behind, by the bodies who made the love, but who cannot withstand time'

Its been a crazy few weeks, im not going to lie.
in heind sight, it feels like one of those childrens rides in playgrounds, that spin round and round untill you throw up.
When i was younger, a few female friends and i went to the playground to play. We all went on the 'wizzy dizz' (as we called it) and took turns to spin eachother as fast as we could; i pushed the limits, and kept going, then i threw up. It was embarassing, we all had to go back to her house, and her mother put me in a blanket, called my mother and i pet their cat, which hissed at me. That was the moment i stopped liking cats (i had this dislike untill just 12 months ago) this was also the moment, i realised that i had control of my own life and that i had to take caution.

Since then i seem to have forgotten this knowlege. Ive lost controll many times, and i have been far from cautious. Im not displeased with this though; i acknowlege that i am in controll of losing controll and i like that. I like the fact that i can go out and lose all fear, just say yes to anything, good or bad, i love that controll, and i love the fact that i can wake up the next day and begin to remedy everything done 8 hours beforehand.
I havnt been on this earth for a long time, but over the years i have lived, and over the things ive experienced, i know people come and go in your life, yes, it hurts, and you blame yourself (most of the time) but in recent times, i have gained a sort of clarity, i can now see that people come and go but the people that leave are not worth chasing after, they have served their purpose, they have taught you things and made you think things your mind would not have thought of without being provoked by their presence, without them there to influence your thoughts. I beleive this.

On another note, everything is a bit up and down; things have been great, im not complaining, i mean, i have gone back to school, im catching up with old friends, i have an amazing girlfriend and i have the money lined up to buy a spiffy little car. However, i cant help but to want more, i cant help but to wonder about all the things im missing out on, i am at a stage where i want to get everything sorted out, get everything in a straight line (my mind works in pictures and diagrams) but anything i do sends it more into waves. I cannot wait to finish school, i cannot wait to get my licence and be of age, and i can not wait to move out, these things will set my 'line' into caos, but i think it will be worth it in the end, when my line can just settle down and i can be at a comfortable level, within myself and with the things and people around me.

Furthermore, i would like to conclude this rediculous blog with one more note.
it is a quote i stole from a friends facebook page, but i felt it was meaningfull to me at this point in my life:
'in order for two halves to be whole, each half must be whole on its own'
i could not have summed that up better myself. This particular quote is so relevant, i am a stong beleiver that before you can make someone else happy, you must first be happy yourself, and all those sorts of things. Seeing this, was like seeing into my own head, where a graffiti artist had painted these words on several crevises and arteries, to get the message out and for the thrill of rebelion.

thank you for your time.

(disclaimer - this post is all over the place. my mind is all over the place. this is an excerpt of my mind)

Once in a blue moon.

So things have been hectic lately, yet i wouldnt be able to tell you what on earth ive been doing.
not because i dont want to tell you, but for the fact that there has been nothing memorable or substantial enough to store in my memory, nothing i would want to waste space with in my ever overflowing hard drive of a brain.
However, i have seemed to store alot of the emotions, strange, my mind has never functioned this way, but it seems that lately i have been feeling things that i have never felt before, and i suppose just like any new experience to event, in order to be able to identify with it, it needs to be stored somewhere for future reference.
flicking through the archive i can see (or rather feel) extreme sadness, excitement, happyness, fear, love, joy, amusment, betrayal ... among other things that dont seem to want to surface themselves from within my ever resenting brain.
im not going to lie, it hasnt been easy these last few months, alot has changed, and im starting to realise im not the same person i was, lets say, a year ago. Im not sure if this change has been for the better, but either way, its a change none the less.

Some things (not all things i must stress) have been amazingly, fantastically, wonderfly, perfect. reminding you of coarse that peoples definitions of perfect are somewhat different to mine. to me, perfection can, and in most cases, WILL, contain imperfections, little things that make it just that little bit hard to bear, but these things come together as a whole to make the thing in question, without flaws. i beleive nothing can be without flaws, and sometimes, the little flaws is what makes it perfect. I also beleive this, because in my personal oppinion, it is unrealistic to expect things to be flaw-less, because nothing in this world is.
Back to the point, one of the most inspirational things in my life at the moment, is my partner Jess, she is, in my eyes, PERFECT, i cannot see flaws in her as a person, yes some of her actions or experiences may seem wrong or unjustified in my personal oppinion, but how can she be who she is today without those, and the person she is today, is the person i love, with all of my being.
I would litterally do ANYTHING for her if it was nessissary, and thats not just something im saying to express my point, without her in my life, i would have no purpose and would have given up quite some time ago.

Saying that, some things have also been, for lack of a better word; BAD.
my metal state is deminishing, and my social life is begining to revolve around facebook.
sometimes i feel like i have nobody to count on (jess as the only exception) it seems like i have no friends, its not as if im not used to it, ive always distanced myself from people, and although i have always had many friends, i dont really consider them to be friends, but rather aquaintainces. its very hard for me to make friends, not only because im a very shy and uninteresting person but because when i talk to people i dont know well, my head gets light and i pass out for a split second.
that wasnt well phrased, but i dont want to go back over it and re-write it, as it pains me to think about.
where is was going with this was, yes i have friends, but they arnt real (i would think, im unsure as to whether they would agree) they arnt really my friends but rather my girlfriends friends. if anything should happen (god forbid) to our relationship, these people would without a doubt be with her and forget so easily about me. which is part of the reason i am hesitant to open up to them, there is nothing keeping their loyalty to me, but the relationship jess and i share.
its hard to think that if, once again god forbid, jess and i were to part, that i would be left with no support, no friends and no partner. i dont think i could handle that, it would be too much for me.

but let us depart that topic and end on a happier note shall we?
lately, everything seems that little but brighter, i beleive this is due to my incredible girlfriend!
im begining to get my inspiration back, i went and took photos the other day, which you would not even beleive how good it felt to get back into. my photography habits reflect my life, if im feeling shit i will not go and take photographs, and if i do, they will look as shit as i feel
if im feeling good, the photographs will also be good. i hadnt taken any photos for a long time, due to lack of inspiration, thus i was a bit out of practice, but i intend to change this. i want to go and photograph the world, my first steps are to photograph the things close to my heart and close to my home :)

to conclude, i would like to share with you, a quote i found, it was found in a rush, but something about it actually stayed with me. maybe i was meant to find it.
whether it is inspirational to you, i dont know. but it worked for me!
'Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.' - Harold R. McAlindon.